Every wrong turn, every bad decision, and every heartbreak led me straight to you.
I’m so scared of fully falling for you, because I know that if things don’t work out they’ll be no getting over you. You’re not someone who can easily be forgotten.
“I wonder how I ever got by, without you in my life to guide me.”
I like you, I don’t want anything from you but to love you. I don’t care about your money, I don’t care about popularity, I don’t care about them. I care about you, only you.
Who used me, embarrassed me in front of his friends and only wanted to be with me when it was convenient for him. Me, being an idiot, fell for it every time, I was another one of those stupid girls who believed she could change the guy. I tried and tried, but instead of changing him, he ended up changing me. One day, i looked in the mirror and it broke my heart to realize that I didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me. I was so lost in you that I lost myself. I tried breaking free from you but you kept pulling me back in. It was spiraling out of control until he showed up. I didn’t know why, I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but God must’ve known that I needed an angel because he sent me you. You, without realizing it, rescued me from my past. You showed me my worth and made me feel special (and other feelings that are impossible to put in words) I don’t regret the past guy, because if I hadn’t gone through that hell then I would’ve never met you.
“I just want to touch your lips and feel your skin, so when the time comes don’t rush, just kiss me slowly.”
“Sometimes you just need to spend time alone, listen to all the sad love songs you own and cry. Let it out, so you could make room for the new things that are to come.”
What I’m about to say (well, actually write) may seem like something that would only happen in movies, but rest assured, it happens to me all the time. Seriously, sometimes I think I’m a walking jinx. Here’s the cycle:
1) I see a guy
2) Guy shows interest in me
3) I like him too, but I’m too shy to say anything
4) Keeps showing that he’s interested
5) I act like I don’t care (but only because I don’t know how to show him that I care)
6) I get a sudden burst of courage and plan on telling him that I like him.
7) I don’t tell him because then I begin to doubt that he actually likes me.
8) Summer vacation happens (this is the part where I get nervous and tell myself that he’s probably forgotten me)
9) I assume that he’s over me, so I don’t talk with him over the summer because I’m scared that my messages will annoy him.
10) He usually stops talking to me, doesn’t contact me (he’s probably erased me from memory now)
11) I get sad and regret not having told him when I had the chance.
12) See him again and see that he has a new girlfriend.
That is the cycle! That happens to me all the time with every guy that I like. The guy never finds out that I like them, because the timing is never right. That’s why I’ve been single for so long, the relationship curse hasn’t been broken yet.
Sometimes, well most of the time, I feel stuck. I’m sure everyone has felt this at one point or another, and the truth is, that feeling sucks. When you feel like nothing is going your way, you feel like everyone’s life has already started except for yours, you just want to shout and say, “what am I doing wrong?” And I get it, you have to be patient because everything comes at its own time, but put yourself in my shoes, spend a day doing what I do, feel what I feel, and then try and tell me to be patient. I’ve patiently sat by, played by the rules, helped those in need, done good to others, but I always seem to get the end of the stick. I’m stuck in a rut and no matter how many times I get out, I always end up getting pushed back in.
What can you do when your good isn’t good enough and all that you touch tumbles down? Because my best intentions keep making a mess of things, I just want to fix it somehow. But how many time will it take for me to get it right?